Simian Substitute Site for September 2007: Stoop!d Monkey
Halfby: Side Farmers

Film 2007 with Britney Spears

Hit me barber one more time Hi! It's Britney, bitch. When I'm not shaving my head, divorcing rednecks or exposing myself in the back of limos, I like going to the movies just like anyone else. And you know what my favourite kind of movies are? R-rated ones. All that swearing, violence and nudity just gets me so hot.

I think it's great that this year, they've started making R-rated trailers too, so that they can keep all that good stuff in the trailer without any character development, dialogue or all that sorta crap getting in the way. The problem is, they can only put these trailers on the internet, and the way they make sure under-17s can't see them is by putting an age gate in the front - checking your details against a US Government database before letting you into the site. Which isn't much use to you if you're one of the few people in the world who doesn't live in America.

Anyway, as a recent article on the Empire magazine website points out, there's good news for anyone who doesn't have a valid US ID to enter these sites. You can use mine instead!

Here's how it works. When you go into these sites, and you try to access any of their age-restricted content (such as what they call 'red band trailers', after the red MPAA certificate they open with), you'll be prompted for four pieces of information, which will then be checked to make sure you're a US citizen over 17 years of age. If you're not a US citizen over 17 years of age, feel free to enter the following instead:

First name: Britney
Last name: Spears
Date of birth: 12/02/1981 (that's December 2nd for all you English people)
Zip code: 90210 (like the TV show!)

And you're in like Kevin! To prove this works, here are the official sites for five upcoming movies with dangerous, corrupting, fun trailers included.

No Country For Old Men (click on 'Exclusive Red Band Trailer' flash on the left of the homepage) - "It's a mess, ain't it, Sheriff?" "If it ain't, it'll do till the mess gets here." Lordy. The Coen Brothers have been in a bit of a rut for the past few years - Intolerable Cruelty, The Ladykillers - but this looks like it could be a return to form, and bleak Blood Simple-level form at that. Based on a Cormac McCarthy novel, there appear to be lots of weak folks doing misguided things in wide open spaces, all rather overshadowed by Javier Bardem blowing big messy holes in people's heads. On this evidence it'd be a guaranteed Oscar winner, if the Academy had any balls. Which they don't.

Resident Evil: Extinction (click through 'Enter The Site', 'Skip Intro', 'Trailers & Video', 'Skip Intro' again and 'Red Band Trailer') - Obviously, this is going to be terrible. After all, the original Resident Evil was made by Paul W[ankstain] S[hitforbrains] Anderson, the only director on Earth who could take the idea of Milla Jovovich in a red miniskirt kicking a zombie dog through a plate glass window and make it boring. For the third film in the franchise, Anderson has just written the script, passing on the directoral reins to the man who made Duran Duran's Wild Boys video. Woot. Mind you, it's an education comparing this with the G-rated trailer, which is exactly the same but with about thirty seconds of zombie gore shots removed.

30 Days Of Night (for some reason the link to the red band trailer's been removed from the site in the last couple of days, but you can still get to it from here) - Sod that, this looks like how you should do the marauding undead. 30 Days is based on the comic book by Steve Niles and Ben 'Fell' Templesmith, about an Alaska town whose long winter nights make it the ideal habitat for vampires. And the trailer looks properly scary, not just hurling gore into your face in every alternate shot like Resident Evil's does. You get plenty of bang for your buck in this preview - not only the trailer, but also a complete messy scene that shows these people aren't messing about.

Shoot 'Em Up (click on 'View Age-Restricted Content' at bottom right of logo) - So, yeah, it's that scene in Hard Boiled where Chow Yun-Fat is carrying a baby round while shooting loads of bad guys, just stretched out into an entire movie. Do we have a problem with this? I don't think so, providing that they can genuinely sustain it for the duration. The two minutes of blam-blam action in the trailer certainly looks all kind of mad fun, but I've got a horrible feeling they won't be able to keep that pace up. Still, we can wait and see.

Beowulf (click on 'Restricted Content') - Hmm. Not entirely convinced. A Norse myth retold by scriptwriters Neil Gaiman and Roger Avary has potential, but not when it's all shot by Robert Zemeckis in motion capture. There's something frankly creepy about the idea of getting in a big celebrity voice cast, and then making the CGI characters look exactly like them. The brief flashes of tits and impalement that distinguish the two restricted trailers from the normal one can't quite take away that cut-scene-from-a-videogame feeling about the whole enterprise, and seem to have been thrown in just to convince us that this isn't Polar Express 2. Nevertheless, we have a couple of decent scriptwriters on board, so there's potential for greatness there.

These are the red band trailers I've been able to find just for movies coming out in the next couple of months. There are bound to be more released onto the web in the future, and you can try my login details on their sites to see if they work there too. Have fun! Oh, and don't forget to buy my new single Gimme More in a couple of weeks, or else I'll have to go really nuts and crap on the Stars And Stripes or something to get attention.


Susan (light)

You bastard, I just tried to use that password for this You Tube sexy lingerie clip and it didn't work.

Kindly be good enough to give me your sign in, so I can continue.


Oh, yeah, like *that's* going to happen. Why don't you sign up for a standard YouTube account? Unlike the sites listed above, it's not limited to US residents only. It costs you nothing, it allows you to leave comments like 'this is ghey' on other people's videos, and it means you can watch age-restricted material like this:

Susan (light)

How on earth can I watch that, if I can't watch this ?

All I asked for was your sign in and your password (Jeeez) !

Susan (light)

Okay Britney video/comment at the MTV awards. No sign in (adult or otherwise) required.

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