July 14th, 1998. Bastille Day. It's the day when my first website, The Unpleasant Lair Of Spank The Monkey, made its debut online. This means I've been doing this nonsense for ten years now: and as a result, July 2008 is going to be a bit of a retrospective. Scrub that: a lot of a retrospective.
I've been reposting bits from the old site on this blog for the last couple of years whenever it's seemed appropriate, normally as a tie-in with some current artistic event. You may wonder just how many pages from the old site still haven't been posted here yet, and I can give you an answer to that question: 62. So throughout July, I'm going to be reposting two of those pages every day (at around 11am and 3pm BST), in order of their original publication. Think of it as an alternate history of the first ten years of Spank on the internet, told in terms of those articles I haven't considered worth repeating up till now. Each piece will have had its links tidied up (including the inevitable Amazon whoring), and some what-happened-next material added where appropriate. All the original duff writing stays as it is, though. Enjoy. (Normal service will be resumed in August, with reports from Japan and Edinburgh.)
In the meantime, your Simian Substitute Site for July 2008 is this very page here, which lists all of the Simian Substitute Sites from July 1998 to the present day. That's nearly ten dozen monkey-related links for your enjoyment (or would be, if some of them hadn't died in the interim). Ready? Here we go.
July 1998 - Monkey!
The nature of Monkey is irrepressible! A fan site dedicated to the classic Japanese TV show.
September 1998 - The Fantastic Typing Cybermonkey
This is how we used to amuse ourselves on the Internet in those days.
October 1998 - Tom The Dancing Bug (featuring Charley the Australopithecine)
Ruben Bolling's cartoon character is an australopithecine just like me, so I like him.
November 1998 - Monkey Hunters Monthly [dead link]
Apparently the work of long-forgotten poet Colonel Chiselton-Bap.
January 1999 - Spunky Monkey's Cookery Show
Book Spunky Monkey for your children's party and watch them help him cook his Jungle Pikelets.
February 1999 - Ape-O-Naut
A celebration of monkeys both in space and elsewhere.
April 1999 - Poptart Monkeys
Pennsylvania-based rock band who appear to have survived the inevitable lawsuit from Kellogg's.
May 1999 - The Monkey Dance [dead link]
The Hampster Dance, but with monkeys.
June 1999 - The Mad Monkey Society [dead link]
Secret society of monkeys, gathering together to battle the apocalypse coming in 2000. Oops.
July 1999 - What's Going On: Birthday Of The Monkey God [dead link]
The site celebrated its first birthday in July 1999, so I googled "monkey" and "birthday", and...
September 1999 - The Pointy Cheese Clan's Guide To Monkeys [dead link]
Tsk. Students. You turn your back on them for a few minutes and they've closed their websites down.
October 1999 - Prosthetic Monkey Consulting [dead link]
Web consultancy firm with a very silly name but a rather cool logo, subsequently gone 'tits.up'.
November 1999 - Jiangsu Golden Monkey Machinery Group Corporation
All the latest construction equipment, presented by a monkey in a hard hat.
December 1999 - Buy Spank's brain from Brains4Zombies.com
Customisable amazon.com parody site (put any name after "brainID=" in the URL).
January 2000 - Burning Monkey Solitaire
Your favourite PC timewaster, now with added monkey pictures and jokes.
February 2000 - Monkey Breakfast [dead link]
A bit of Shockwave silliness that didn't last very long.
March 2000 - Bad Monkey Jr., the 1/10th Scale Remote Control Monster Truck
See Mark Filipowicz's Bad Monkeys: a full size 4x4, and a 1/10 scale remote controlled model of it.
April 2000 - The Infinite Monkey Protocol Suite
Academic paper formalising that whole "infinite number of monkeys typing Shakespeare" thing.
May 2000 - Vote Monkey
Originally helped you choose your candidate for London Mayor - now it's a more general poll site.
June 2000 - Enchanted Learning Software - Ten Little Monkeys
Animated nursery rhyme fun from an educational software company.
August 2000 - The Monkey's Pants [dead link]
A fan site for Buffy The Vampire Slayer, or at least it was when it was alive.
September 2000 - Find-The-Monkey
Like Find-The-Spam, but with monkeys. That's their excuse.
October 2000 - Dumbmonkey
Funny 'n' furious weblog action with the Bay Area's leading simian blogger. (Less furious in 2008.)
December 2000 - Splitzy's Planet Of The Space Monkeys [potentially unsafe link]
Tribute site for an animated show which CRASHED MY FUCKING BROWSER when I last visited.
January 2001 - Little Red Monkee
It's the tune that either makes this one for you, or drives you completely over the edge (hello, RussMeyerGirl).
February 2001 - Monkeybone
Official site for the Henry Selick flop movie, sadly minus the poo-flinging Flash game that used to be there.
March 2001 - Bush Or Chimp?
Bill Feldspar obtained lots of pictures of Dubya, lots of pictures of chimps, and matched the two together. Comedy ensued.
April 2001 - HiMonkey.net
The small but perfectly formed Monkey goes out on adventures and comes back with photos.
June 2001 - Monkey vs Robot
James Kochalka's musical version of his cartoon book is now most easily found on YouTube.
July 2001 - Monkeyphonecall.com
Give these guys ten bucks, and they'll phone up the person of your choice and make monkey noises.
August 2001 - Planet Of The Apes
Used to be the official site for Tim Burton's version: now it's the official site for the good ones.
September 2001 - ChimpNet
From what I can remember, it was an internet site about, er, chimps. I'm not sure what it is now.
October 2001 - Google Image Search for 'monkey'
I used to get a lot of letters from kids asking if I had any pictures of monkeys: well, here's 30 million.
November 2001 - Monkey + Festival = Danger
Dadaist nonsense discovered while trying to find a site related to the London Film Festival.
December 2001 - Spank The Monkey Shockwave Game
Bastard thing that's stopped me topping Google searches for 'spank the monkey' for years now.
January 2002 - Stone Monkey Sword Dancers
Traditional English dancing with edged weaponry in and around the East Midlands area of England.
May 2002 - Home Monkey Trainer
Ricky Marshall's somewhat dubious instructional site shows you how to train your monkey.
July 2002 - Monkey Birthday Tee Shirt
Download this page, trace it onto a blank shirt, get out your fabric markers and colour it in.
August 2002 - Monkey Skidoo [dead link]
Dani Alex's blog changed its name to the less simian Ureshii..., and then vanished altogether.
September 2002 - Monkey Business [dead link]
Somebody's homepage that apparently linked to me once. And it had terrible music.
October 2002 - Daniel Jackson, Our Space Monkey
A Stargate SG-1 fan page, specially dedicated to the character Daniel Jackson.
December 2002 - Monkey Steals The Drum
Just another band with 'monkey' in its name. Sadly, it looks like one of their members died in 2006.
February 2003 - Monkey Lander
All computer games work better with the addition of monkeys: for example, Moon Lander.
April 2003 - Frida Kahlo: Self Portrait with Monkey Coloring Page [dead link]
Sadly, Enchanted Learning's G-rated tie-in with the R-rated movie Frida isn't there any more.
May 2003 - Monkey Curling
All computer games work better with the addition of monkeys: and all other sports, too.
June 2003 - MetroMonkey Products [dead link]
Dubious site selling accessories for people who keep monkeys as domestic pets.
July 2003 - Sport Monkeys: The Extreme Sock Jocks
I have no idea who these creatures are, but I assume that young people strung out on Sunny D will find them entertaining.
September 2003 - Fila Delfia Coconuts (Costa Rican Monkey Soccer League) [dead link]
All computer games and sports work better with the addition of yadda yadda yadda.
November 2003 - Monkey Maddness
All manner of monkey-related facts, figures and silliness.
January 2004 - Desperado [wonky link]
Animated tribute to Johnny Cash, which doesn't seem to want to move any more.
February 2004 - Chinese New Year 2004 [dead link]
Animated greeting celebrating the Year Of The Monkey.
March 2004 - The Wrong Bananas
Joel Veitch's plaintive - plantainive? - lament of a monkey caught in a food-based dilemma.
April 2004 - Froogle search for 'monkey'
The original name for Google's shopping site search facility.
May 2004 - Theatremonkey
Tells you all the practical stuff about the West End theatre experience you won't get anywhere else.
June 2004 - Supergrass: Children Of The Monkey Basket
An alternative site to their official one, run by the band themselves. Pleasingly ramshackle.
July 2004 - Trunk Monkey
An archive of commercials for Suburban Auto Group, featuring the ultimate in car accessories.
September 2004 - Ain't No Monkey Business... Just Gorilla
Andrew Tkaczyk's sponsored run for the Dian Fossey Gorilla Fund. Not that you cared at the time.
October 2004 - Food-Eating Battle Monkeys!
The Belated Birthday Girl is a Toast-Eating Surrender Monkey with a rating of zero. What are you?
November 2004 - Monkey Portraits, Jill Greenberg Studio [dead link]
Photographic portraits of monkeys which treat them as if they were human subjects.
December 2004 - Chunky Monkey's Excellent Christmas Adventure
A festive tale of Pauline Comanor's cartoon character.
January 2005 - Little Monkey Murals
Got kids? Want to have cool stuff all over their bedroom walls? LMM can help you with that.
February 2005 - First Drink Of The Day by 7 Seconds Of Love
Joel Veitch's ska band made their debut on the interweb with this monkey-driven ode to alcoholism.
March 2005 - The Gorilla Cover Gallery
Over 500 comic book covers with one thing in common: they all feature gorillas.
April 2005 - Ketjak: The Ramayana Monkey Chant
A chunky bit of audio (27.7MB of MP3) of a tribal chant that was in a Sky advert at the time.
June 2005 - MonkeyPeaches
To coincide with our trip to Hong Kong, a site celebrating the delights of Asian action cinema.
August 2005 - World Of Monkey
Miscellaneous simian whimsy from a monkey called Monkey.
September 2005 - The Furry Monkey
A site where Karen talks about her Non-Hodgkin's Lymphoma. More fun than you'd think.
October 2005 - Creative Commons: Make A Monkey Movie
A script for a movie of the Scopes "Monkey" Trial, available for anyone to perform.
November 2005 - Arctic Monkeys
Pure and simple bandwagon jumping on my part, I'll admit. They're good, though, aren't they?
December 2005 - King Kong
Possibly the most obvious Simian link of all time, in the month of release of Peter Jackson's movie.
January 2006 - Ridemonkey Mountain Bike Forums
Forums and photos for mountain biking fans everywhere.
February 2006 - JobMonkey
Job search site, because that sort of thing was rather at the forefront of my mind at the time.
March 2006 - SoulMonkey
A Stoke-on-Trent events promoter whose site now appears to have nothing but errors behind its front page.
April 2006 - Super Monkey Poop Fight
A Shockwave game involving monkeys and poop! No wonder I took three months off after this.
May 2006 - no site
June 2006 - no site again
July 2006 - frantically plotting the relaunch, so still no site
August 2006 - Monkey Music
A series of classes which introduce music to young children all over the UK.
October 2006 - Spank The Monkey
An exhibition of urban and street art which took place in Newcastle and Gateshead.
November 2006 - Cheeta, The World's Oldest Chimpanzee
The chimp from the early Tarzan movies has retired and taken up painting.
January 2007 - Meter Monkey
A monkey-based alarm clock for your PC, to warn you that your parking meter is about to run out.
April 2007 - Monkey Fluids
Old-fashioned cartoons with highly surreal and inappropriate captions: wound down on 15/04/08.
May 2007 - Monkey Swallows The Universe
Five-piece acoustic pop band from Sheffield (though they've been on hiatus since December 2007).
June 2007 - Monkey Town
A venue based in the trendy Williamsburg area of Brooklyn, New York.
July 2007 - Beta Monkey Music
BMM will sell you drum loops played by actual drummers, as collections of zipped audio files.
August 2007 - Burning Safari
The eternal struggle between monkeys and robots depicted in CGI form.
December 2007 - Lost Monkey Photography
A showcase for the work of Danish photographer Mikkel Houmøller, primarily nature pictures.
March 2008 - Monkey Mondays
Rob Elliott emails a monkey drawing to a list of subscribers nearly every Monday.
May 2008 - The Little Chimp Society
A portal where illustrators can show off their work and offer their services for hire.
June 2008 - Monkey Punch Dinosaur!
Up to 100 pictures of monkeys punching dinosaurs.
July 2008 - Ten Years Of Simians
And I think this is where I came in. Being a monkey, and all.