Spank's LFF Diary, Thursday 29/10/2009
Spank's LFF Diary: The Wrap Party 2009

Simian Substitute Site for November 2009: Douche Monkey Astronaut

Douche Monkey AstronautApart from a flurry of comments from twatty spammers trying to pretend they were real people - you weren't fooled by them, were you? - I think we can pronounce the 2009 London Film Festival a bit of a success. Hopefully, you've enjoyed our daily coverage as much as we've been enjoying the films. Of course, regulars will know it's not all over just yet: in a few days time we'll have The Wrap Party, the traditionally long-delayed summary of the high and low points of the fest.

Actually, there'll probably be a fair bit of wrapping up done in November, or at least that's the plan. Once LFF 2009 is all done and dusted, that will make it a total of 21 festivals documented on this site, which probably means it's about time you were provided with an index for them. Meanwhile, those China photos and videos you've pretty much given up waiting for should be appearing later this month... maybe. And with just three Spank Gold entries left to do, can I get them all finished before the end of the year like I promised back in January? You'll just have to wait and see. (Yes, I know that's what I said last month, but it still applies.)

In the meantime, your Simian Substitute Site for November 2009 is Douche Monkey Astronaut. Inspired by the news that NASA are bombarding monkeys with radiation, I decided to look into the sordid history of the use of monkeys in space research. I have to admit, this one was new to me...

In the year 2007, a brilliant scientist lost some of his most important data as a result of the antics of a certain monkey. This data was lost out in the sky and beyond.

The only solution he could see was to send this monkey into orbit with a data collection mechanism to reclaim his precious information. But how to propel a monkey into space?

He decided that his only solution was to fill the monkey with enough douche water that the pressure would send him soaring into the heavens. He would become the first Douchemonkey Astronaut.

There's a debate to be had on which is worse: irradiating monkeys, or performing colonic irrigation on them as a means of jet propulsion. Of course, if you don't care about the debate, you could just play this very silly game instead. Otherwise, the comments box is open for anything you want to discuss, as ever. Although if you're going to use it to try and flog memory sticks, London holidays or Christmas gifts, my mate Bill has a message for you.



I have really enjoyed the coverage of Douche Monkey Astronaut show. The show is really interesting. Thanks for sharing such nice article here.


I heard your mum does it with sailors for money, zinc.


I'm not sure if you are suggesting colonic irrigation is a good idea for monkeys?
As it benefits almost every adult in the western world I would imagine it would also benefit our close relatives and would therefore be willing to help you if your monkeys want a treatment. Please make sure that if they are under sixteen that a parental consent form is signed.


Well, at least it's *targeted* spam. Bravo!

Surfing Costa Rica

I seriously appreciate this post. We need to have far more persons like you bringing value for the community

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