Forwarded by Carole Shields, Philadelphia, USA, 01/07/2002
Subject: Helen Back at the Philadelphia Gay & Lesbian Film Festival
Helen's making a few appearances during the Festival! Follow this link [dead link] for details and a link to the official PGLFF website. (These events may require advance ticket purchase)
See photos [dead link] of many of the performers at 6/20's Hard Liquour Theater Cabaret!
Stay tuned for information for Helen's Fringe Festival Performance HomoFaux Pas! See http://www.helenback.net/hfp/ [dead link] for photos & a press release!
Plus, I'm still working on the multimedia section, there will be something there eventually.
Have a wonderful day everyone!
And please share Helen with all your friends!
It turns out that Helen Back is the secret identity of Jimi Mooney, the Philly singer/songwriter that Carole's mentioned in previous letters. Last month she treated The Belated Birthday Girl and myself to a rather splendid dinner at New York's Lips Restaurant. Is there a theme developing here?
Suze, Picc, 05/07/2002
Er wots da deal ear Spank ? Couldn't you be bothered to print anyone's letters in June; or is it that you just didn't get any?
The second. Happy now, Suze? Eh? Eh? (Though as you can see, it was a different story altogether in July.)
Andy Light, London, 12/07/2002
Read your review on Tokyo and downloaded your holiday avi - would like to see the full version when you've finished it! Also read this today, thought you'd find it humorous.
Absolutely: it's nice to see even Fox employees can't agree on how the whole DVD copyright thing works. You can find Homer's words of wisdom on the subject here.
Rob D, Sunny South Croydon, 16/07/2002
Just wanna say, Spank, that Pericles at the Roundhouse last Saturday was the most amazing experience of any Shakespeare (TBC) play I've seen (or probably any other play for that matter). Sitting on the floor for three hours was never so good, especially when the actors are nearly treading on you - it felt as if you were on the stage yourself, in fact some of the audience really were on the stage at the opening of the second half. Bits of the first half saw two of the hard men of Spank's Pals (my good self and Jon) get rather emotional. I'd suggest you see it except that it's finished now. Thanks to SeaPea for arranging it.
Bollocks. I saw two out of the three productions at the RSC's Roundhouse season: sounds like I missed the best one. Though I'll agree with you from my experiences at their production of The Tempest that sitting on the floor in the middle of the actors is the way to go. I was nearly garotted with nautical rope, trodden on several times and spent most of the second half a few feet away from a lump of rotting meat. But I genuinely wouldn't have missed it for the world.
The Belated Birthday Girl, At home, 16/07/2002
I've been following up on some of the links from your Oz page, and thought I'd point up one of the FAQs on the Tom Fontana site:
"3. There are no plans for a Homicide DVD (except for the 'movie' finale which is already available) or for any more Homicide tapes, as far as I know. If you want them, badger NBC, which owns the rights."
So I wondered if maybe it would be worth getting a bit of a badgering NBC campaign going - people could try e-mailing them at email@example.com. It may not do any good, but it can't do any harm either, can it? For what it's worth, I've just written to them myself.
It's nice to see that The BBG is using her immense influence on this site for the purposes of good, and not evil. If you're as much of a fan of The Best Damn Cop Show In The World as she is, then feel free to drop NBC a line yerself. [2008 update: hey, it worked.]
Suzanne Vega Fanclub, Piccadilly Line, 24/07/2002
I am sure you will be pleased to know I have spent the last five hours wearing nothing but sackcloth and ashes, beating my chest and wailing: "Is there nothing left in life I can believe in"
WHY ? Because at 12.20am on Saturday 27/07/02 on BBC2 there is a film called Spanking The Monkey.
Shame on you Spank (or whatever your real name is), I thought you and your website were one of the last great originals.
I suppose apart from the obvious disillusionment (spell check that one for me please), is the feeling that I should have come up with the idea first. However I suppose it is never too late to get in on the act. Therefore look out for MIKE SNAPS LONDON [dead link] to be shortly renamed as either:
Austin Motors The Car That Crashed Me or
Apocalypse In Just A Moment or
BT The Extra Despicable or
Swindlers List or
The Lying King or
Saturday Night Epidemic or
The Towering Conflagration or
Toy Tory or
The Bridges of Stockport County
Well, I suppose it's easier to make up new titles than it is to take some new pictures for it.
He's right, readers. ProperTop.com (the self-styled 'best thing to come out of Stockport since the A6') covers music, fashion, films, travel, football and other stuff, and is well worth a visit.
Laura, Fuckerlane, 27/07/2002
You know, it's been so long since I've had one of these, I've forgotten how you're supposed to reply to them. Um, flip you, melonfarmer. Or something.
beth martin, martinsville, 27/07/2002
id like to get more points
Drive straight at the old age pensioners, that normally does it.
Andy Doy, Salisbury, 28/07/2002
I know your real name and it isn't Mr Spankster or any other variation of that sentence of the web page ha ha ha I've found you. By the way can you put spell check on this page please I'm not very good. Congrats on your anniversary and may the sarcasm never ever stop. Laters dude
It was only the spelling of 'anniversary' you needed to worry about in the end, Andy. And hey, I know your real name now.
The Cineaste, from the seething sweaty swamp that is sarf London, 18/08/2002
Glad to know it's not just BR - or their successors - who have a monopoly on providing cardiac-arrestingly hoary travel experiences.
As I sit here writing this I'm probably turning a strong shade of green through envy. Having worked like a trojan this weekend I envy you your week of hedonism, booze, arts and stuff. I am, as you know, not with you in body but I am in spirit. Keep those reviews ascerbic and witty and you may even tempt me up there next year (or whenever you next arrange a visit).
Make mine a heavy,
"Cardiac-arrestingly hoary travel experiences"? And this is before I even wrote about the flight back...
So far only the most desperate of publications on the web have used that line. Thanks for dragging me down to their level, Datta.
Dear Sylvester Stallone webmaster,
After I did did visit your Sylvester Stallone website I wanna ask you if you could place a link or box to our Sylvester Stallone e-card service.
If you wanna place our e-card promotion box please place the following HTML code into your website: [code removed]
If you prefer to place a link to our Sylvester Stallone e-card service please point it to the following URL: http://www.realgreetingcard.com/showcards.asp?CategoryID=242
P.S. let us know if you did place a link to us so we can insert a link back to your Sylvester Stallone website!
I love the idea that one brief favourable reference to Stallone's public speaking abilities here suddenly makes me a "Sylvester Stallone webmaster". Still, if you want the cards, you know where to go.
Chris, Australia, 26/08/2002
Just a short message to say thanks for all the Edinburgh updates! I look forward to the day I can actually experience the festival myself (Melbourne Comedy Festival will have to do for now)...
Just a question - excuse the ignorance, always take an interest in reading your recent unsubscribe email addies (yes... the no life factor does require I stoop to new lows) and in light of this one - firstname.lastname@example.org - was wondering who easyJet were?
Melbourne Comedy Festival, you say? Ooh, don't give me ideas... (Chris has a vested interest in British comedy, as he runs a fan website about Boothby Graffoe [dead link] in his spare time.)
Anyway, to answer your question, easyJet is the no-frills budget airline we used for travelling to and from Edinburgh this year. When they're good, they're OK - see details in the diary for Saturday 17th. When they're bad, they're catastrophic - see details in the diary for Saturday 24th. Generally attitudes towards easyJet tend to swing between these two extremes: unfortunately, an airline's only as good as its last flight, and Saturday 24th was our last flight.
And in case the rest of you were wondering, Chris got that email address because he's on the site mailing list. Why not join up today? You'll be notified whenever there are any updates to this site, and you'll get puerile email address gags thrown in as a bonus.
anike agbalamze, South Africa, 29/08/2002
(URGENT AND CONFIDENTIAL)
(RE: TRANSFER OF ($ 126,000.000.00 USD} ONE HUNDRED AND TWENTY SIX MILLION DOLLARS
We want to transfer to overseas account($126,000.000.00 USD) One hundred and twenty six million nited States Dollars) from a Prime Bank in Africa, I want to ask you to quietly look for a reliable and honest person who will be capable and fit to provide either an existing bank account or to set up a new Bank a/c immediately to receive this money, even an empty a/c can serve to receive this money, as long as you will remain honest to me till the end for this important business trusting in you and believing in God that you will never let me down either now or in future.
I am pirnce anike agbalamez,the Auditor General of one of the prime banks here South Africa, during the course of our auditing,I discovered a floating fund in an account opened in the bank in 1990 and since 1993 nobody has operated on this account again, after going through some old files in the records I discovered that the owner of the account died without a [heir] hence the money is floating and if I do not remit this money out urgently it will be forfeited for nothing. The owner of this account is Mr. Gordon G. Scott, a foreigner, and an industrialist, and he died, since 1993. and no other person knows about this account or any thing concerning it, the account has no other beneficiary and my investigation proved to me as well that Gordon G. Scott until his death was the manager Diamond Safari [pty]. SA.
We will start the first transfer with twenty six million [$26,000.000] upon successful transaction without any disappoint from your side, we shall re-apply for the payment of the remaining rest amount to your account.
The amount involved is (USD 126 M) One hundred and twenty six million United States Dollars only. I want to first transfer $26,000.000 [Twenty six million United States Dollar] from this money into a safe foreigners account abroad before the rest, but I don't know any foreigner, I am only contacting you as a foreigner because this money can not be approved to a local person here, without valid international foreign passport, but can only be approved to any foreigner with valid international passport or drivers license and foreign a/c because the money is in US dollars and the former owner of the a/c Mr. Gordon G. Scott is a foreigner too,and the money can only be approved into a foreign a/c.
However, we will sign a binding agreement, to bind us together. I got your contact address from the Girl who operates my computer, I am revealing this to you with believe in God that you will never let me down in this business,you are the first and the only person that I am contacting for this business, so please reply urgently so that I will inform you the next step to take urgently. Send also your private telephone and fax number including the full details of the account to be used for the deposit.
I want us to meet face to face to build confidence and to sign a binding agreement that will bind us together before transferring the money to any account of your choice where the fund will be safe. Before we fly to your country for withdrawal, sharing and investments.
I need your full co-operation to make this work fine, Because the management is ready to approve this payment to any foreigner who has correct information of this account, which I will give to you, upon your positive response and once I am convinced that you are capable and will meet up with instruction of a key bank official who is deeply involved with me in this business. I need your strong assurance that you will never, never let me down.
With my influence and the position of the bank official we can transfer this money to any foreigner's reliable account which you can provide with assurance that this money will be intact pending our physical arrival in your country for sharing. The bank official will destroy all documents of transaction immediately we receive this money leaving no trace to any place and to build confidence you can come immediately to discuss with me face to face after which I will make this remittance in your presence and three of us will fly to your country at least two days ahead of the money going into the account. I will apply for annual leave to get visa immediately I hear from you that you are ready to act and receive this fund in your account. I will use my position and influence to obtain all legal approvals for onward transfer of this money to your account with appropriate clearance from the relevant ministries and foreign exchange departments.
At the conclusion of this business, you will be given 35% of the total amount, 60% will be for me, while 5% will be for expenses both parties might have incurred during the process of transferring.
I look forward to your earliest reply through my email address or tele/fax numbers.
MR.pirnce anike agbalamez
It's a long-established scam, but I've never had one of these before, so I thought I'd share it with you. I'm particularly amused that the Girl who operates his computer had my contact address as email@example.com, a one-off competition address that seems to have become some sort of spam magnet in the last few months. If you're wondering what happens to someone who replies to one of these mails, check out the incredibly detailed (and hilarious) story of the David Lee Roth letters.
Chris which believe it or not is not short for Christopher, Melbourne, Australia, 01/09/2002
[re: letter dated 26/08]
"(Chris has a vested interest in British comedy, as he runs a fan website about Boothby Graffoe [dead link] in his spare time.)"
"Chris got that email address because he's on the site mailing list."
Hey Spank, just a note - Chris is short for Christine... which appears to be a female's name... good thing I'm just that! ;) Thanks for the link!
Oops. Particularly embarrassing as some of my best friends are Chrises, and at least one of them's female too. Sorry.
Suze (short for Suzanne Vega Fanclub), West London darling, 10/09/2002
[re: letter dated 29/08]
Huh I wish that Pirnce character would transfer that wodge into my account, then I could party like it was 1999.
If a dollar were a monkey, would a monkey be evil ?
I always thought five hundred quid was a monkey, but there you go.
Batmanic, Gotham City, 21/09/2002
Thanks for the Oz pages. I needed to find out which character was raped by that neo-nazi. Thanks to your page I can can now refer to South Carolina Senator Fritz Hollings as Fritz 'Tobias Beecher' Hollings.
Not sure what Bats' gripe is with Hollings, as my knowledge of local American politics is somewhat scanty. The truth can probably be found somewhere between Senator Hollings' homepage [dead link] and the gotham.us website.
The Belated Birthday Girl, At Home, 03/10/2002
Enjoyed the Lullaby page very much - and was most pleased upon trying the "Which Chuck character are you?" [dead link] test to find that I am Tyler Durden. Who'd have guessed, eh?
Damn. Now everyone's going to think that I've made you up.
Cody j., peculiar mo, 09/10/2002
your websites are so funny I could look at it all day!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I think that's the largest number of exclamation marks I've ever received in a mail. Congratulations!
monkeymann, here, 13/10/2002
i eat monkeys for breakfast
[insert suitably appalling reference to oral sex here]
jiaoaio, 43 jill st, 15/10/2002
i lov monky
I love the idea of getting an email in which two-thirds of the words are spelt wrong.
Carole M Ellis, Gloucester, England, 19/10/2002
I love the show Oz and the characters of Beecher and Keller. I want to find out what happens to them in the next season. I am one of those characters that will read the end of a book if I really care about characters. If something nasty happens I don't want to watch it. When will the new series air in the US and when can I check what happens in the end?
The HBO Oz site will have the dates for the sixth, final season when they know them - currently all they're saying is "Oz will return in 2003". Once it's started showing in the States, your best port of call is probably the alt.tv.oz newsgroup (accessible via the web if you can't reach it via your mail/news software). If anything happens involving Beecher and Keller, fans will be discussing it on here within hours of transmission.
Incidentally, it looks like the Oz piece is one of the most popular ones I've ever written, judging from the search hits it gets. And at least three readers have subsequently bought the Season 1 box set from The Monkey Mall and made me a few bob in the process! Thanks, whoever you are.
Suzanne Vega Fanclub, Piccadilly Line, 23/10/2002
I hope you enjoyed your recent collaboration with Britney, but I don't think the outfit suited you.
Click http://www.spacehijackers.co.uk/html/games/spank.html [dead link], and don't forget to click Spank.
The Cineaste, SW2, 26/10/2002
Radio Spank!!!! What a groovy idea. Bet there are some real humdingers there. Unfortunately I haven't got any audio system on my PC but will now rush out and buy one asap.
By the way am just a little concerned about your knowledge and apparent enthusiasm for all things American. If you go on like this you'll soon be writing the date the wrong way round.
NB what WERE all those events people keep referring to which happened last November 9th?
Let's pretend that last sentence didn't happen, shall we?
R Stott, Kent, 28/10/2002
Can I get tickets to this Film fest date?
14 NOV 2002
Don't see any reason why not, R. Public booking for the London Film Festival has been going for a week or two now, but here's a useful tip: on Friday November 1st they release a whole pile of unclaimed press tickets for films which may previously have sold out. So give them a call then (or try booking on line) to get what you want. And if you still can't get the tickets you need, you can always experience the festival vicariously through me.
R suggests you visit here, by the way.
The Belated Birthday Girl, At home, 29/10/2002
Congratulations on passing the 50,000 Visitors mark! I'd popped in hoping to be 50,000 myself, but it seems I was 75 visits too late. Ah, well. Maybe I'll just tune into Radio Spank while I'm here.
She's right, you know, readers. Even with the slump in visitors caused by Google's recent re-ranking (I used to come top when you searched for Spank The Monkey, now I come eighth), I'm still clocking them up fast enough to break my general average of ten thousand hits a year. Huge thanks to you all.